Darkness and Light

Depression is a battle. I might be home an entire day, not accomplishing much and feel like I’ve run a marathon when I go to bed. Why is that? Because depression is a BATTLE.

And whether we like it or not, we MUST fight. Some days, our fight may be ONE step of obedience (see previous blog post), BUT we must fight.

I just went through some difficult days this winter, and I didn’t fight. I should have. I’m thankful God forgives.

So how do we fight a battle? We put on armor. Where do we find the armor of God? It's described for us in Ephesians 6. Let’s break down the armor of God.

1. Belt of truth. Truth is your friend in your fight. Truth will break walls and set you free. Where is truth found? In scripture! (I bet as we break down the armor of God, you’re going to start seeing a pattern).  Tell yourself truth. Write it down. Write as many truths down. It’s better than curling in a ball and crying. (and I’ve spent a lot of time doing just that)
2.  Breastplate of righteousness.  Where does your righteousness come from? Is it something you do? Hardly! It comes from Christ. His work on the cross is the basis for our righteousness. He took ALL the yuckiness of our sin on Him, and when He saves us, He places ALL his righteousness on us. AMAZING GRACE. If you know Christ, beloved, he will never look on you as anything but righteous. And this truth will get you through some very difficult days. 
3.  Gospel of peace.  Oh peace can be elusive to the one who suffers from depression. But where is peace found? In the gospel! (seeing that pattern yet?) The gospel is our only hope. What is the gospel? Christ died for my sins on the cross. I am dead in my trespasses and sins. When I place my faith in Christ (which is a gift in itself), He places his righteousness on me and takes my sins and nails them on that cross. When He (God the Father) looks at me, HE SEES CHRIST! WOW. Even when I'm depressed, He looks at me and sees CHRIST.
4.  Shield of faith. Our faith in Christ is the light that will get us through darkness. We have hope!
5. Helmet of salvation (ok, I really think we’ve covered this salvation thing). Do you think God is getting across to us that our ARMOR is our SALVATION?? His covenant promises apply to us in WHOLE when we know Christ. We are preserved, saved, sanctified, helped, protected, loved (and I could go on and on).
6. Sword of the spirit. We must KNOW truth and tell ourselves truth if we’re going to make it through this life. But we won’t know truth if we don’t get in the WORD. It’s our sword to pierce through darkness.   

But you know, I always thought of the armor of God as some difficult thing to “put on”. Heavy. But writing this blog post, I see it’s very simple. It’s the saving grace of Jesus Christ. It's my focus on THAT truth. All the time. 

So friend, put on the Armor of God. You may not FEEL any different, but you will be sanctified through the grace and salvation of Jesus.

ONE STEP

I bet this was probably the most helpful advice I received when working through the spiritual aspects of my depression. Do ONE thing. 

I would curl up in a corner and sob. My brain SHOUTS at me. The dirty dishes sit in the sink. The laundry piles up. But I want my corner. I want my covers over my head to shut out the voice. I want other people to come, take over my life so that I don’t have to deal with it. Because dealing is just . . . too . . . hard.

Now I have a choice. God gave me this life, so I HAVE to deal. I have choices to make. Often, I make the wrong one, but I learned something. When I make one right choice, GOD gives grace. Then, He gives more grace to make another right one. Maybe, just maybe, one day gets ONE right choice. But it’s SOMETHING. And with each right choice comes grace. And with grace comes sanctification. And before you know it, you’re changing.  And before you know it, maybe the right choices start to outweigh the wrong ones, and you are being sanctified. Not through power of your own, but through the immeasurable grace of Jesus.

So what are some practical things to help? 

First, music is a powerful help during the difficulties. Choosing music that speaks truth is of vital importance.

Casting Crowns has a fabulous song I would sing over and over. It's called Voice of Truth

The song’s chorus states:

Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

We’ll talk more about truth later and the place it has in this fight. But I have to CHOOSE to believe truth when everything in my head is shouting lies.

Back to our one step.What are other "one steps"? Maybe one load of dishes. Maybe one load of laundry. I might pick up one room. Doesn’t seem like much, but some days those victories are like climbing a mountain.  

And I begin to notice that with each step comes grace.

And when you step backwards and disobey, you confess. Isn’t that the joy of the cross? You can take your sin and LEAVE IT THERE.  You don’t have to feel guilty. Christ paid the penalty. And you can do one right thing now!

So one practical step you can do or encourage someone else to do: ONE step. ONE good choice. ONE at a time. Blessings, friend.

Sin and Depression

*Disclaimer: those of you who know me well know that I don’t always follow my own advice. Frankly, when the darkness hits, it’s really difficult to remember these truths and put them into practice. I don't always do it myself. One of the reasons for my writing is that I will come back to these truths when I am down. The beauty of grace is that God never quits on us even when we deserve it. 

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Now that I’ve discussed the fact that depression itself is not a sin, we need to discuss sin. 

Frankly, depression OFTEN leads to sinful responses. Darkness can be very overwhelming. It’s very easy to give in to the feelings. Feelings are POWERFUL. They try to dictate to us how to live. Especially when everything in my mind tells me, compels me in a direction that is dark. Unless you’ve lived this experience, it’s difficult to describe.

This conundrum was probably the most difficult problem I faced (and still do sometimes). How do you separate the sin from the depression? I was living sinful patterns of response to my depression. I knew it, but I could no more control the depression itself than I can control the sun rising. So therefore, it's easy to "excuse" the sinful responses. This mess can be difficult to work on.

There is no easy answer. I often joke that separating the sin from the depression can be like trying to separate an item that has been super glued. It’s messy, hard work. But we ask the Father to show us our sin and then strive to live in obedience, as much as we are able with His help. Ha, sounds easy, doesn’t it? Well, thankfully, I was given some very practical small steps as I struggled through these issues.

I pray the next few blog posts will help sort these issues out and give practical ways that you can help someone struggling with this darkness. Hang in there with me.

A little reminder for you before I go:

Remember, the best way to dispel darkness is with light! You may keep feeling like the darkness is suffocating, but THERE IS LIGHT. It's easy to believe there's light when life seems lighter. But it's much harder when life seems dark and dreary. But the source of light hasn't changed!

John 8:12

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Depression and the Christian (continued)

Recently I heard talk of a prominent teacher in my area basically teaching that depression is sin.

The idea was stated that if you really know your God, you won't suffer from discouragement and depression.

You know, Paul asked for his thorn in the flesh to be removed. Did God say, "If you just trust me enough, your thorn will go away"? Did God say, "If you know who I am, you will no longer have a thorn"?

NO, He said, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness."

So why do we suddenly not apply that to depression?

ALL suffering is an opportunity for ministry to one another AND for ministry to ourselves. It's an opportunity to say to God, I can do nothing of myself. All that is in me is depraved, worthless. You are my only hope, ever!!

It's an opportunity for God's grace to be perfected. And when I blow it, His grace is my stay!


Selah sings a song:
Wonderful, Merciful Savior

Almighty, infinite Father
Faithfully loving Your own
Here in our weakness You find us
Falling before Your throne
Oh, we're falling before Your throne

The purpose of all suffering is to bring us to the throne of our Heavenly Father. I would never tell a suffering cancer patient that trusting God will take away his or her cancer.  So a minister of God or a well meaning friend should NEVER tell that to a depressed person. I find it be dangerous waters and VERY dangerous teaching.

God is our only hope, no matter what our state! Friend, cling to that hope. If you don't know that hope, find it!

A life without depression

I've been silent for a while. Frankly, there are many times I just feel I have nothing to say. But I had this conversation this week I feel compelled to share.

My husband and I were talking about depression. It's been a pretty tough year. Tougher than I've told most people.  I think I stay silent during the rough times because, frankly, who wants to hear about them? No one, so I've been told. Many times.

So I say to my husband this week. What would life be like without depression? I often think of that as my ultimate goal: to live a WELL life. A life without sickness and without depression.

And he says, "would you really want that life? I love you the way you are. Your difficulties make you a special individual with depth and feeling."

I have thought and thought about these words this week. Why is it that we see an "ideal" life as a life free from depression? You have to admit it, most Christians do.

I believe firmly this IS my thorn in the flesh. I'm not sure I will ever be fully rid of it.

What does God say to Paul when he asks to be delivered from his thorn? "My grace is sufficient for you."

His grace is sufficient, no matter what my issue is. Mine just happens to be depression. It's ugly, it's dark. But I must embrace it as the path HE has chosen for me.

God's grace on a billboard

A fair warning: this blog post is going to be a bit of baring of the soul. . . If you're not interested in soul baring, stop reading cause it could get ugly.

Depression is an ugly thing. The most frustrating part is being misunderstood. The last week, I've been depressed. Terribly. Horribly. It's been an ugly time. Moment by moment.  I have hidden it the best I could. Why? I have many reasons, but one reason is I AM SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I've spent the past year proclaiming how I've changed, how much better I am. After all. . . isn't it an evidence of God's grace that my depression was gone? Many people have patted me on the back to tell me how much better I am. I've made a point of proving to others how much better I am. (ah yes, realizing the problem) . . .

So, I hid. . . I cried. I tried moment by moment just to make it through. And each day has been a HORRIBLE battle. An ugly battle.  I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I followed the steps, sought to walk in obedience. Yet the darkness threatened to envelop me. I began to feel like I was suffocating. God had hidden His face. The more into darkness I went, the more of a complete and utter failure I felt. And I began to feel like giving up the fight.

And then, this morning,  God's face was on a billboard. What do I mean? I was driving my daughter to school, and on the way is a billboard advertising her school. I looked up.  Staring at me from the sky was the face of my beautiful daughter. I'm sure they just put that billboard up. It had not been there before. Was that timing accidental? I think not! God decided to no longer hide His face from me.

Grace is not being better. Grace is not making the right choices all the time. Grace is not that I will never fail. Grace is not that I will never be depressed. Or that I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. Grace is not my being a perfect mother. Or never failing my husband and children.

Grace is getting me through the day. Grace is God's helping me when I can't see His face, when I have no idea where He is. Grace is the fact that I'm still here this morning seeing God's grace. Grace is my daughter's face on a billboard when I feel all I've done is fail, yet there she is, in beauty smiling down at me. Grace comes to me at my weakest, at my worst.

That picture of my daughter magnifies grace. Grace is undeserved. Grace is beautiful. Grace gives me everything when I don't deserve any of it. I throw myself at the mercy seat and beg for more grace! God is grace.

Tragedy and its purpose in our lives

Today, a tragic event unfolded at our church. A tragedy that involved the life of a man I loved and his family whom I dearly love. I'm now awake with a million thoughts running through my mind. The most prominent one is my own sinfulness and stupidity. Satan, the accuser, loves to work overtime. I admit it, I'm a mess!

"but man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7

And then I go to what happens when a troubled soul cannot find his hope in Christ. That reality is what we witnessed today.

So this is my message to myself and to all others: whether you were involved today or not, whether you know this man or not: find your hope in Christ. Run to  Him, to the cross. It's the only hope for any of us! Have mercy on each other, but most of all, remember that Christ is our only hope!