God's grace on a billboard

A fair warning: this blog post is going to be a bit of baring of the soul. . . If you're not interested in soul baring, stop reading cause it could get ugly.

Depression is an ugly thing. The most frustrating part is being misunderstood. The last week, I've been depressed. Terribly. Horribly. It's been an ugly time. Moment by moment.  I have hidden it the best I could. Why? I have many reasons, but one reason is I AM SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I've spent the past year proclaiming how I've changed, how much better I am. After all. . . isn't it an evidence of God's grace that my depression was gone? Many people have patted me on the back to tell me how much better I am. I've made a point of proving to others how much better I am. (ah yes, realizing the problem) . . .

So, I hid. . . I cried. I tried moment by moment just to make it through. And each day has been a HORRIBLE battle. An ugly battle.  I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I followed the steps, sought to walk in obedience. Yet the darkness threatened to envelop me. I began to feel like I was suffocating. God had hidden His face. The more into darkness I went, the more of a complete and utter failure I felt. And I began to feel like giving up the fight.

And then, this morning,  God's face was on a billboard. What do I mean? I was driving my daughter to school, and on the way is a billboard advertising her school. I looked up.  Staring at me from the sky was the face of my beautiful daughter. I'm sure they just put that billboard up. It had not been there before. Was that timing accidental? I think not! God decided to no longer hide His face from me.

Grace is not being better. Grace is not making the right choices all the time. Grace is not that I will never fail. Grace is not that I will never be depressed. Or that I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. Grace is not my being a perfect mother. Or never failing my husband and children.

Grace is getting me through the day. Grace is God's helping me when I can't see His face, when I have no idea where He is. Grace is the fact that I'm still here this morning seeing God's grace. Grace is my daughter's face on a billboard when I feel all I've done is fail, yet there she is, in beauty smiling down at me. Grace comes to me at my weakest, at my worst.

That picture of my daughter magnifies grace. Grace is undeserved. Grace is beautiful. Grace gives me everything when I don't deserve any of it. I throw myself at the mercy seat and beg for more grace! God is grace.