A fair warning: this blog post is going to be a bit of baring of the soul. . . If you're not interested in soul baring, stop reading cause it could get ugly.
Depression is an ugly thing. The most frustrating part is being misunderstood. The last week, I've been depressed. Terribly. Horribly. It's been an ugly time. Moment by moment. I have hidden it the best I could. Why? I have many reasons, but one reason is I AM SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER. I've spent the past year proclaiming how I've changed, how much better I am. After all. . . isn't it an evidence of God's grace that my depression was gone? Many people have patted me on the back to tell me how much better I am. I've made a point of proving to others how much better I am. (ah yes, realizing the problem) . . .
So, I hid. . . I cried. I tried moment by moment just to make it through. And each day has been a HORRIBLE battle. An ugly battle. I tried to do what I was supposed to do. I followed the steps, sought to walk in obedience. Yet the darkness threatened to envelop me. I began to feel like I was suffocating. God had hidden His face. The more into darkness I went, the more of a complete and utter failure I felt. And I began to feel like giving up the fight.
And then, this morning, God's face was on a billboard. What do I mean? I was driving my daughter to school, and on the way is a billboard advertising her school. I looked up. Staring at me from the sky was the face of my beautiful daughter. I'm sure they just put that billboard up. It had not been there before. Was that timing accidental? I think not! God decided to no longer hide His face from me.
Grace is not being better. Grace is not making the right choices all the time. Grace is not that I will never fail. Grace is not that I will never be depressed. Or that I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. Grace is not my being a perfect mother. Or never failing my husband and children.
Grace is getting me through the day. Grace is God's helping me when I can't see His face, when I have no idea where He is. Grace is the fact that I'm still here this morning seeing God's grace. Grace is my daughter's face on a billboard when I feel all I've done is fail, yet there she is, in beauty smiling down at me. Grace comes to me at my weakest, at my worst.
That picture of my daughter magnifies grace. Grace is undeserved. Grace is beautiful. Grace gives me everything when I don't deserve any of it. I throw myself at the mercy seat and beg for more grace! God is grace.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Tragedy and its purpose in our lives
Today, a tragic event unfolded at our church. A tragedy that involved the life of a man I loved and his family whom I dearly love. I'm now awake with a million thoughts running through my mind. The most prominent one is my own sinfulness and stupidity. Satan, the accuser, loves to work overtime. I admit it, I'm a mess!
"but man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7
And then I go to what happens when a troubled soul cannot find his hope in Christ. That reality is what we witnessed today.
So this is my message to myself and to all others: whether you were involved today or not, whether you know this man or not: find your hope in Christ. Run to Him, to the cross. It's the only hope for any of us! Have mercy on each other, but most of all, remember that Christ is our only hope!
"but man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7
And then I go to what happens when a troubled soul cannot find his hope in Christ. That reality is what we witnessed today.
So this is my message to myself and to all others: whether you were involved today or not, whether you know this man or not: find your hope in Christ. Run to Him, to the cross. It's the only hope for any of us! Have mercy on each other, but most of all, remember that Christ is our only hope!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Those sticky points of reformed theology
I thought I would do a series of blog posts on what I call the "sticky" points of reformed theology. Those points that people outside have a difficult time with. Trust me, I did too!
I think it will be good for me, and if you too are searching, at least it will give you some answers. Areas like : infant baptism, that fifth point of Calvin, and others.
Stay tuned. Agree or disagree. But read, think and study! That's the fun of it all!
I think it will be good for me, and if you too are searching, at least it will give you some answers. Areas like : infant baptism, that fifth point of Calvin, and others.
Stay tuned. Agree or disagree. But read, think and study! That's the fun of it all!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Embarrassed
Recently, on a blog post of a friend, she apologized for ever being a fundamentalist. I must admit, I often feel like that. Never does that truth hit home more than when I recall my teaching days.
Oh the dumb things I used to focus on. . . all these standards that really had absolutely ZERO Biblical ground. How I used to just set my life by these standards. And now, I just realize, it's ALL just SO wrong.
I have really procrastinated writing this post because it's not my intention to offend anyone. And I'm sure there will be "separation" from me over these thoughts. But really, go find it in the Bible. . . if it's not there, don't hang your hat on it. You'd be surprised what you find when you really start digging. My desire is to not let a religious system dictate how you live your life or what you believe, but let the Bible be your guide.
What is the essence : the gospel, pure and simple. Grace unabounded. (and no I don't think that means you can live however you want). Never have I seen a holier people, a people more committed to living the life God wants them to. I see a people now who don't live by a set of standards but by the rulebook of the BIBLE. Sola Scriptura! That is my greatest desire for my life.
Sola Scriptura - Scripture Alone
Solus Christus - Christ Alone
Sola Gratia - Grace Alone
Sola Fide - Faith Alone
Soli Deo Gloria - The Glory of God Alone
Oh the dumb things I used to focus on. . . all these standards that really had absolutely ZERO Biblical ground. How I used to just set my life by these standards. And now, I just realize, it's ALL just SO wrong.
I have really procrastinated writing this post because it's not my intention to offend anyone. And I'm sure there will be "separation" from me over these thoughts. But really, go find it in the Bible. . . if it's not there, don't hang your hat on it. You'd be surprised what you find when you really start digging. My desire is to not let a religious system dictate how you live your life or what you believe, but let the Bible be your guide.
What is the essence : the gospel, pure and simple. Grace unabounded. (and no I don't think that means you can live however you want). Never have I seen a holier people, a people more committed to living the life God wants them to. I see a people now who don't live by a set of standards but by the rulebook of the BIBLE. Sola Scriptura! That is my greatest desire for my life.
Sola Scriptura - Scripture Alone
Solus Christus - Christ Alone
Sola Gratia - Grace Alone
Sola Fide - Faith Alone
Soli Deo Gloria - The Glory of God Alone
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Don't waste your story
CBS used to have a show called Everyone Has a Story. A CBS news correspondent would blindly point at a spot on the map, would travel there, would walk up to some John Doe and get that person's story.
I think of that today. You have a story; I have a story. Maybe yours is dramatic, tragic, or troublesome. Maybe it's simple. Perhaps it's endearing. But whatever your story, God has given it to you for a reason.
I believe firmly that my story is meant to be shared. I'm not bashful about it. If you know me, you know that's true. But today God used my story in someone's life. To encourage them. To help. And hopefully, I will continue to help this person with the story God is creating in her life.
So, don't waste your story.
I think of that today. You have a story; I have a story. Maybe yours is dramatic, tragic, or troublesome. Maybe it's simple. Perhaps it's endearing. But whatever your story, God has given it to you for a reason.
I believe firmly that my story is meant to be shared. I'm not bashful about it. If you know me, you know that's true. But today God used my story in someone's life. To encourage them. To help. And hopefully, I will continue to help this person with the story God is creating in her life.
So, don't waste your story.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Death
What a morbid title for a blog post. Yet at some point in everyone's life we face its reality. Perhaps a family in your church buries a child, or a 37 year old mother of 7 is barely clinging to life. Perhaps a dear friend is battling cancer before his time. Or another mother in remission is frightened on a daily basis that her cancer will reoccur. Perhaps a young mother dies at birth. These situations are reality. I believe it's a good thing to face one's mortality because there will be a day we face it in finality. And if we face it now, then perhaps we will realize that there is only one way to eternal life: through the precious blood of Jesus Christ. As my precious husband said this morning, we will all die. A simple truth, yet striking in its reality.
We will all die.
And the only way to heaven is through the blood of Jesus.
I pray friend, that you know that saving grace. And I believe we need to face our own mortality every single day, so that we realize, it is not for me to live for myself but to live for Christ.
We will all die.
And the only way to heaven is through the blood of Jesus.
I pray friend, that you know that saving grace. And I believe we need to face our own mortality every single day, so that we realize, it is not for me to live for myself but to live for Christ.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Depression is not a sin
This fact is something I've wanted to shout from the rooftops for years. Let me first get a few facts straight.
1. Depression is not a sin.
2. You can't shake yourself, read your Bible out of, pray yourself out of, or make the right choices out of depression. Won't work. Ever.
3. A person who struggles with depression is not an inferior Christian.
4. It is NOT their fault. Period. End of discussion.
That being said, I recognize that the person who struggles with depression often struggles with a sinful response to that depression. There lies the problem. How does one separate feelings from sin?
That process was the toughest one to go through. I'm thankful for a godly Christian counselor who never once blamed my depression on me, nor did he ever discount it in any way. However, what he did do was methodically question the choices I was making while depressed. He never once indicated these choices would change my depression; in fact, he often reminded me that the right choices would probably have no bearing on my feelings at all. However, in my depression, I was still responsible for my choices. Ay yai yai. That process was painful and difficult.
Thankfully my reformed counselor treated depression very differently from the treatment of depression in fundamentalism. I hope not to offend any fundamental Baptist readers that may come along or the friends I have that are still there. However, being depressed most of my life and being a fundamental Baptist until three years ago, I stand by my opinion. As a whole, fundamentalism treats depression as a sin, and fundamentalism often implies or even states that if a person just makes the right choices, the depression will magically go away. They also treat depression as "feeling down" or a "spiritual depression." I even had a well meaning sister in Christ say to me once, "I was once feeling depressed but quickly I realized I needed to surrender myself to God and really bathe myself in His Word and then I was okay."
Oh sister and brother in Christ, NEVER say these words to a depressed Christian. The effects can be devastating. If a depressed person believes this, and that person starts reading the Bible regularly and growing, and the depression doesn't change. . . you get the picture.
I begin to realize the horrible effects this can have on a depressed person in the church. A few years ago, I was ready to walk away from it all. From God, from the church, from everything. Thankfully, God was bigger than my picture of Him, and He wasn't about to let go of me. I hope and pray that God will now lead me along a path of helping others who are depressed. Not making them feel inferior, or like a sub-par Christian, but helping them learn that they can make the right choices along the way. And by the way, I'm still learning that every day.
1. Depression is not a sin.
2. You can't shake yourself, read your Bible out of, pray yourself out of, or make the right choices out of depression. Won't work. Ever.
3. A person who struggles with depression is not an inferior Christian.
4. It is NOT their fault. Period. End of discussion.
That being said, I recognize that the person who struggles with depression often struggles with a sinful response to that depression. There lies the problem. How does one separate feelings from sin?
That process was the toughest one to go through. I'm thankful for a godly Christian counselor who never once blamed my depression on me, nor did he ever discount it in any way. However, what he did do was methodically question the choices I was making while depressed. He never once indicated these choices would change my depression; in fact, he often reminded me that the right choices would probably have no bearing on my feelings at all. However, in my depression, I was still responsible for my choices. Ay yai yai. That process was painful and difficult.
Thankfully my reformed counselor treated depression very differently from the treatment of depression in fundamentalism. I hope not to offend any fundamental Baptist readers that may come along or the friends I have that are still there. However, being depressed most of my life and being a fundamental Baptist until three years ago, I stand by my opinion. As a whole, fundamentalism treats depression as a sin, and fundamentalism often implies or even states that if a person just makes the right choices, the depression will magically go away. They also treat depression as "feeling down" or a "spiritual depression." I even had a well meaning sister in Christ say to me once, "I was once feeling depressed but quickly I realized I needed to surrender myself to God and really bathe myself in His Word and then I was okay."
Oh sister and brother in Christ, NEVER say these words to a depressed Christian. The effects can be devastating. If a depressed person believes this, and that person starts reading the Bible regularly and growing, and the depression doesn't change. . . you get the picture.
I begin to realize the horrible effects this can have on a depressed person in the church. A few years ago, I was ready to walk away from it all. From God, from the church, from everything. Thankfully, God was bigger than my picture of Him, and He wasn't about to let go of me. I hope and pray that God will now lead me along a path of helping others who are depressed. Not making them feel inferior, or like a sub-par Christian, but helping them learn that they can make the right choices along the way. And by the way, I'm still learning that every day.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Grace of God and His sovereign care on our trip
I promised to detail God's sovereign care for us on our recent trip to PA. This post will give you all the details.
Many of my friends know that I am a bit of a drama magnet LOL. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I'm trying to be less of a drama magnet, but sometimes it just follows me.
Recently, we left SC to go on a trip to PA. While there, my nine year old fell and cut her foot pretty severely. It required nine stitches. This injury changed the plans for our trip. She couldn't do anything. In addition, we were all sleep deprived and continued to be sleep deprived even after this injury. At the time, tensions were high.
On the surface, these events seemed to be bad, right? Nothing good could come from it. Well this event set in motion a series of events that led to God sovereignly caring for us in a very difficult and potentially dangerous situation.
See, because we had nothing to do and because we were sleep deprived, we decided to leave PA a half-day early. My husband was very concerned that he would not be able to drive home.
A few hours into the trip, our check engine light came on. We pulled over, read all about the check engine light, examined the engine the best we could and continued on our way. About an hour into Virginia, the van began to have trouble while I was driving on I 81. We pulled over, and by the time we pulled over, the van was billowing black smoke and smelling like burnt rubber. We were stranded with three children on I81. We had no idea what to do. About fifteen minutes into our problem, Jon decided to coast backwards and get us on an exit ramp so that we were out of harm's way. As we were standing there trying to decide what to do, a police car "just happened" to drive up behind us. (the quotes are an indication that this was not a random act of chance, but a Trinitarian God watching out over us). He immediately called us a tow truck.
I cannot detail every tiny act of God's providence, but I will detail as many as I can in this short time. First, my mother in law found out we were stranded in a town where a long time friend of the family has a home. He also has a home near my in laws in DuBois, PA. He gladly offered to take us in. Second, we arrived at the Honda dealership 10 minutes before it closed. Immediately, these men went to work on our behalf. Now we could not find a rental car anywhere at 7:30 on a Saturday night. We were stranded. Oh no, God was at work. A man at a car rental place A MILE from this Honda dealership ALREADY had an appointment to meet a lady there at 8 pm to give her a car after hours. The Honda dealership drove us down there and put us in a minivan. (Wow, God you are AMAZING!!) Finally, if we had been on a Sunday like originally planned, nothing would have been open and we would have had a much more difficult time finding help.
We then traveled to this house where this man took our bags and put us in private bedrooms with beds and opened his house to us. We later found out he has known my husband's family since childhood. My husband's grandmother taught him Vacation Bible School as a child.
The next morning, we looked for a church in town. We landed at Christ Presbyterian Church in Harrisonburg. We had an amazing time of worship. God had led us directly to a church with a very similar service to ours and we were very much at home there. The people there were unbelievable and started offering us any help we needed. We had no idea at the time how much we were going to need it.
We went back to the home we were staying in and had a precious Lord's Day together as a family. What a gift in the midst of turbulence. Isn't God good to help us set His day aside in the midst of all that and give us a precious day together. We had each of the girls detail one evidence of God's providence and miraculous provision on our day of worship. Each one of them was able to tell us one miracle God had done to care for us the day before. What an object lesson for them!
By 9 am the next morning we realized the van would be way too costly to fix and way too long to keep up in Harrisonburg. We started working on finding a way to get us and the van home. Do you know how difficult this is? We tried for HOURS! Nothing. I must admit, my faith started to waver. Thankfully, our God is faithful in spite of our wavering faith.
By 2:30 we realized we had no way home. We stopped and prayed for God to miraculously provide a way home. Very soon thereafter, a man from our church called Jon. He offered to rent a van and come up to VA and pick us up. He arrived at 10:30 and we drove all night. In the meantime, we called some folks we had met at the church the day before, and they offered to take us for the rest of the day (our former hosts were leaving town).
A stranger came and got us from the car rental place, picked us up, took us to his home, fed us, and let us crash till 10:30 at night. WOW. I am praying for God to give me that kind of hospitality to others.
Thankfully, the Lord provided a fairly reasonable tow for the van, and we and the van are now safely back at home. The van is in the shop, and we are all safe and marveling at the grace of our wonderful God.
Many of my friends know that I am a bit of a drama magnet LOL. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I'm trying to be less of a drama magnet, but sometimes it just follows me.
Recently, we left SC to go on a trip to PA. While there, my nine year old fell and cut her foot pretty severely. It required nine stitches. This injury changed the plans for our trip. She couldn't do anything. In addition, we were all sleep deprived and continued to be sleep deprived even after this injury. At the time, tensions were high.
On the surface, these events seemed to be bad, right? Nothing good could come from it. Well this event set in motion a series of events that led to God sovereignly caring for us in a very difficult and potentially dangerous situation.
See, because we had nothing to do and because we were sleep deprived, we decided to leave PA a half-day early. My husband was very concerned that he would not be able to drive home.
A few hours into the trip, our check engine light came on. We pulled over, read all about the check engine light, examined the engine the best we could and continued on our way. About an hour into Virginia, the van began to have trouble while I was driving on I 81. We pulled over, and by the time we pulled over, the van was billowing black smoke and smelling like burnt rubber. We were stranded with three children on I81. We had no idea what to do. About fifteen minutes into our problem, Jon decided to coast backwards and get us on an exit ramp so that we were out of harm's way. As we were standing there trying to decide what to do, a police car "just happened" to drive up behind us. (the quotes are an indication that this was not a random act of chance, but a Trinitarian God watching out over us). He immediately called us a tow truck.
I cannot detail every tiny act of God's providence, but I will detail as many as I can in this short time. First, my mother in law found out we were stranded in a town where a long time friend of the family has a home. He also has a home near my in laws in DuBois, PA. He gladly offered to take us in. Second, we arrived at the Honda dealership 10 minutes before it closed. Immediately, these men went to work on our behalf. Now we could not find a rental car anywhere at 7:30 on a Saturday night. We were stranded. Oh no, God was at work. A man at a car rental place A MILE from this Honda dealership ALREADY had an appointment to meet a lady there at 8 pm to give her a car after hours. The Honda dealership drove us down there and put us in a minivan. (Wow, God you are AMAZING!!) Finally, if we had been on a Sunday like originally planned, nothing would have been open and we would have had a much more difficult time finding help.
We then traveled to this house where this man took our bags and put us in private bedrooms with beds and opened his house to us. We later found out he has known my husband's family since childhood. My husband's grandmother taught him Vacation Bible School as a child.
The next morning, we looked for a church in town. We landed at Christ Presbyterian Church in Harrisonburg. We had an amazing time of worship. God had led us directly to a church with a very similar service to ours and we were very much at home there. The people there were unbelievable and started offering us any help we needed. We had no idea at the time how much we were going to need it.
We went back to the home we were staying in and had a precious Lord's Day together as a family. What a gift in the midst of turbulence. Isn't God good to help us set His day aside in the midst of all that and give us a precious day together. We had each of the girls detail one evidence of God's providence and miraculous provision on our day of worship. Each one of them was able to tell us one miracle God had done to care for us the day before. What an object lesson for them!
By 9 am the next morning we realized the van would be way too costly to fix and way too long to keep up in Harrisonburg. We started working on finding a way to get us and the van home. Do you know how difficult this is? We tried for HOURS! Nothing. I must admit, my faith started to waver. Thankfully, our God is faithful in spite of our wavering faith.
By 2:30 we realized we had no way home. We stopped and prayed for God to miraculously provide a way home. Very soon thereafter, a man from our church called Jon. He offered to rent a van and come up to VA and pick us up. He arrived at 10:30 and we drove all night. In the meantime, we called some folks we had met at the church the day before, and they offered to take us for the rest of the day (our former hosts were leaving town).
A stranger came and got us from the car rental place, picked us up, took us to his home, fed us, and let us crash till 10:30 at night. WOW. I am praying for God to give me that kind of hospitality to others.
Thankfully, the Lord provided a fairly reasonable tow for the van, and we and the van are now safely back at home. The van is in the shop, and we are all safe and marveling at the grace of our wonderful God.
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