Thoughts on holiness, part 1

Recently, in a fit of depression, I was encouraged by a friend to do a study on holiness. 

Coming from a fundamental baptist background, holiness is a touchy subject for me. When I was encouraged to do this study, I was also in a really bad place. I think it's largely because I come from lists of do's and don'ts, and I burned out trying so hard. I was doing a lot of the right things, but holiness seemed elusive to me. So why bother trying? Also, with my depression issues, I was told the depression would disappear as I became more holy, and that didn't happen. So again, why bother trying?

Thankfully, God taught me some things about Himself and is still teaching me things about Himself and myself all the time. 

I do better when studying a book of the Bible, so I decided to just study I Peter. I came away with several thoughts. 

1. The gospel is central to holiness. You can't even get past the first phrase without realizing the foundation of holiness. "To those who are elect." In his foreknowledge, He chose me. Holiness begins at the core: the gospel. I have been chosen and set apart by His grace. Verse 1 also says, "may grace and peace be multiplied to you." How do I explain when I am "out of sorts" or responding sinfully? Often it can be as basic as forgetting that I am elect. I lose sight of the fact that I am redeemed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

2. Hardship and holiness are intricately linked. v6 "In this you rejoice though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials. v7 so that the tested genuineness of your of your faith --more precious than gold that perishes--though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 

God uses hardship to sanctify, purify and test. He produces holiness through hardship if we submit to His work. Holiness also helps us endure hardship. Let's face it, life is messy. We need to pursue God. When we don't, we sin and mess up. I do that all the time. Unfortunately, we don't often pursue God as fully on the mountain as we do in the valley. 

3. Holiness is not about pursing holiness; it's about pursuing God. v.8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in Him." The joy and the holiness come from believing in Him, but we can't believe in Him if we do not know Him. One of the best studies I've ever done was on the attributes of God. I realized very quickly, He wasn't the big, bad meanie I created Him to be in my mind. He was good, loving, and merciful. Knowing Him is essential to desiring to obey Him. 

4. The mind is the battleground in holiness. v. 13 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action, and being sober minded. . . " Set our thoughts, and our behavior will follow. If I set my mind on my circumstances and how hopeless they seem (which I have done recently). . . I will respond sinfully. If I set my mind on myself, I will respond sinfully. If I set my mind on God and the gospel and who I am in Christ, I open myself to His work of sanctification, which produces holiness. Of course depression is a mind and body issue, but the mind is central to the attack and the fight. 

thanking the Lord for these truths this week and praying He will continue to change my messy life and use it for His glory!

A danger in the church's teaching

I sat in a corner, weeping. My hands were over my  head, my head between my knees. I rocked back and forth, weeping. The gut wrenching sobs came from the core of my being. The voices in my head screamed at me . . . "It would be so much better if you were dead. You are not as good as other people. You can't hold friendships, they all abandon you." The darkness sucked me in like a vortex.

Was it my fault? I was doing everything I knew how. Regularly in the Word of God, much time on my knees. I was trying to trust this God everyone was telling me about. I reached out for help to the church, but what I got was a list of do's and don'ts. I was ready to give up everything, but especially life. I felt I was doing all the right things, but the darkness was so real I could almost touch it. I was such a mess and didn't have a clue how to fix it.

I was being told so often. . . if you just know who God is, you won't have depression any more. Because that is what my pulpit taught. Now I know many of my friends will disagree with me. We preach the gospel from our fundamentalist pulpits. Well I know what I was taught. . . discipline, hard work, please God, etc. . .

What was missing? The gospel! Plain and simple. I know this post will offend some people, but once again, I pray for a soul baring searching for many people. My churches taught the gospel. There was a sense in which we realized we couldn't save ourselves. But then we lost it somewhere along the way. The gospel becomes muddled with rules. This problem isn't limited to fundamentalists, but since that is where I grew up, that is my experience. However, I have run into these issues in my reformed circles now as well. The problem runs rampant throughout our churches. We seek, we want to believe that somehow we are better than we are. We want to believe we contribute to our own spirituality. I'm not saying we can live however we want. I am just saying. . . . we cannot teach that people cannot contribute to their own salvation, and then our churches teach that we can contribute to our own sanctification.

People everywhere are abandoning the church right and left, and I believe we have muddled our teaching with a man-centered sanctification. I'm not abandoning that we have choices, and some of that is where the muddling comes in.

What was I missing? I was missing the gospel. How could I be raised in churches and be missing God? Because I lost my gospel-centered living.

Oh churches, help the mentally ill, help the struggling by getting back to the basics in our everyday teaching and living. We are utterly helpless. Both when we are saved and when we are walking day by day. May we throw ourselves back at the foot of the cross every. . . single. . . day!

Everyone's issues are so complex, but nothing is quite as complex as mental illness. I believe our churches just believe that if we preach enough, teach enough, the mentally ill will no longer have these struggles, and we won't have to face them or deal with their issues. Mental illness is a complexity of sin, genetics, health, and brain chemicals. The churches as a whole are not doing much to help unravel these issues. So far too often, people run. From God, from the church. We are filling our churches with people who don't have problems. (I say that tongue in cheek). Churches are too busy preaching at people and not busy enough coming alongside people.

I almost died that day. It is merely by God's grace that I held on. And thankfully, a gospel centered counselor that came alongside me and helped me for a long time. In that way, there was a lot of work involved. But thankfully, he never blamed me for my illness. Not once. There wasn't one clear answer as my years of blog posts clearly show. But there is one thing our churches should be doing better: preaching and practicing a daily, gospel-centered living.

It isn't about me or any righteousness of my own. It's completely about Him. He came as a babe in human form, living the perfect life I couldn't live. Then He died and took all my unrighteousness on Himself. Then when He gave me the faith to trust Him, He placed all that righteousness on me. Every human, no matter what their particular struggles, needs to live in that reality every day! That is where our churches need to get back to. Sorry for the shocking title, but I do believe to this day that there will be an answer given for the muddled teaching causing so many people to abandon the church and God.

Forgive me if I said something wrong. This post has been in my gut for a very long time. But I believe it's so important to write about!

Goodness and Godliness Are Not Synonyms

As a person who struggles with depression, I have NO problem accepting the total depravity of man when it comes to myself. In fact some days, I feel like all I see is my depravity. By the time I'm finished with this blog post, you will see my depravity too.

I think most Christians have no trouble accepting their own depravity either. I mean to truly accept the gospel is to begin with the realization that I am corrupt to the core and and can do nothing to change myself. 

However, when it comes to other people, we are quick to sing man's praises. We know we shouldn't sing our own, but we are quick to sing others'. 

Nowhere do I see this more than in social media. I mean absolutely no disrespect in what I'm about to say, but I see this especially when a beloved Christian is either going through trial or reaches the end of his / her life. People talk about what a good person he / she is.

Every time this happens, it sends me into a tail spin. (yep, depravity speaking here). I want to be a good person. I'm not. Why can't I be a better person? Why do I have to struggle so? Why can't other people look at me and see goodness too?

I was walking through my house today struggling with these thoughts, and a still small voice (well it didn't really feel still and small, it felt more like a booming voice) said to me, "Goodness is NOT godliness." 

I have been struck all day by this simple fact. Of course God is good. Of course He molds and sanctifies us into godliness. But I can never be "more good." And when I measure my life against someone else's or even sing man's praises, I'm forgetting the fact that neither can anyone else. 

ALL goodness (*true goodness) comes from the ONE who was good in my place. In your place. In any Christian's place. From a human perspective, there can be a good man who is not godly. Goodness can be manufactured. But godliness cannot. And godliness doesn't come about through some magic choice. It comes about through a realization and a dependence on the one who was GOOD for me. It comes about through obedience to the one who was GOOD for me. Not because of anything I do, but because of what He's done. And therefore, I have as much Godliness as anyone else. No, I may not be in the same place in my walk as they are. However, I have the same salvation, the same God, the same goodness as every elect brother who has trusted in His finished work on the cross. This thought has been tremendously comforting to me today. And in this Holy week and every week, our thoughts should focus on the cross and on the One who was good in my place because I have no goodness of my own. And my actions should also reflect a focus on the One who was good in every other Christian's place because no one has any goodness of his or her own. And I can be truly thankful when God's goodness is reflected in my life and in other believers' lives. Praise HIS goodness!

I don't know

Get ready for soul baring rawness. If you're a hider, leave now. There's no hiding in this blog post.

Normally I wait to write a blog post. I wait till I'm on the other side of the valley. There's a lot of clarity afterwards, know what I mean? I usually stay away during the dark times because there is no clarity in darkness.

Well this blog post is being written firmly in the valley. Right here where I am. Last week was hard. It wasn't one terrible thing. Rather it was a bunch of things. One after the other, and it seemed there wasn't an area of my life untouched.

My wonderful auto immune body couldn't take all the stress, and I landed in bed sick. And as often happens, with the sickness started a darkness. A relentless, mind controlling, suffocating darkness. Sounds dramatic? It is. Life becomes a battle.

Many times, I can just survive to get through to the other side when it decides to let go. But this time, it's being stubborn. And the only thing I keep thinking is, "I don't know. . . " I just don't know.

Some of you will read this and think what on earth is she talking about. . . but others will read it, and you will get it. Because you have gone through days where all you can think is "I don't know. . . "

Then a friend sent me the words to a song last night. The song has rocked my world, you could say. One specific part of the song, to be exact. The song is by Tenth Avenue North Entitled You Are More.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life  
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight 
She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines  
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try  
But don't you know who you are?

I don't know. . . 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

I don't know

I'VE BEEN REMADE.

Doesn't matter if I feel remade. I AM remade. I'm in this valley, and I don't know. Which way is up. When  the valley will leave me. What I need to do. Where my faith is. Where He is. Why He is allowing this time.

And sometimes I just don't know. But HE has remade me. He has redeemed me.

I feel raw, broken, wounded, weary. . . He was raw, broken, wounded and weary for me. So in my raw, broken, wounded and weary times, I can trust the work that was done when HE became raw, broken, wounded and weary for ME. Why did Christ, Son of the LIVING GOD do this? In order to remake me. And I AM remade whether I feel like it or not.

So in the times I just don't know. I know that HE knows. And let me tell you, that is infinite knowledge!

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
  But what's been done for you.  
This is not about where you've been,  
But where your brokenness brings you to 
This is not about what you feel,  
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

So when I just don't know, I must turn to the ONE who does. And even when my faith is too weak to turn, He still knows, He still pursues, He still redeems. PRAISE my loving FATHER.  

How are believers handling their wounded?

I've always believed in living my life with complete candor. When you take me, you get me. You get me with strengths and weaknesses. You get me with success and failures. You get me on the good days and the bad. Unfortunately, my candor has "come back to bite me" many times. God is teaching and has taught me much about candor with discretion. :)

I have decided, however, to continue to live an authentic, open life. One of the reasons the church is failing and people are looking elsewhere for their hope is that the church has ceased becoming a place where the wounded can be. Somehow we assume that because Christ comes in, we cease to be wounded. Or maybe after a few years of doing all the right things, people should no longer be wounded. I challenge you, you may not think you live this way, but it is a VERY easy trap to fall into.

Are our churches a place where the WOUNDED meet? Are they places where the wounded find sanctuary? Where we all find the rest, the hope that IS CHRIST. The recognition exists that while we live in this world, life is messy.

As a body, we MUST get past the nice clothes, the makeup, the combed hair, and the smiles and we must become authentic believers DIGGING into each others' lives. Helping, aiding.

Our pastor said today, are we people who shoot the weak? who harm the wounded? Are we more content to feed with the ninety and nine than to go after the one? Sometimes, that "one" is among us. But we'd rather stay in our comfortable circle of friends than branch out to the wounded one. That wounded one may be hiding behind a Bible, the correct theology, neatly combed hair.

Being on the receiving end of "harming the wounded," I also want to be sure that I'm not a wounder. We so easily become self-righteous instead of resting  ALL our righteousness in Christ.  I do it, and I'm sure we all do at times.

I pray this is not an offensive post, but a post that makes us ALL think every day. What type of body are we being?

Advancing God's Kingdom

So today I went into worship feeling fairly despairing of myself. I have been very sick this week. And sickness always brings with it depression for me. 

Oh how thankful I am to worship God in a church that is understanding of frail sinful humanness. The sermon was on advancing God's Kingdom, and the text was the Parable of the Ten Minas in Luke 10. The Pastor focused a good amount of the sermon on the servants who received the minas, and the juxtaposition of the 2 who did something with their minas, and the one who did not. The nobleman gave them their minas, and sent them to do their business. He did not tell them what business to engage in, but rather to use their minas in whatever business they did. They engaged in business of their choosing, and they chose to advance the kingdom right where they were in their lives. I LOVED what the pastor pointed out next. God works to sanctify our desires by using the ways he has already hardwired us. There was no censure to the man only producing five versus the man producing 10. Furthermore, they probably went out and did their business completely different from one another.  We come to the servant who hid his mina. The nobleman wasn't upset that he didn't produce even one mina, but that he hid it away because of a false view of the nobleman. Even putting it in the bank to gain interest would have been more desirable. God wants to use our uniqueness right where we ARE to advance His kingdom. The pastor was careful to point out that He doesn't expect the same productiveness out of all His children. Not everyone has the same makeup. That's what makes the body of Christ so unique. Everyone is completely different.

That was very comforting to me. I live with health issues. I often feel VERY useless. I want to be out producing like many other godly believers I see around me. I often find myself comparing myself to others. In fact, yesterday, I was really frustrated with God for making me the way I am.

I was so rebuked this morning. God didn't make me sick and then struggling and then expect me to go out and produce what others who are well produce. But he does expect me to do what I can with what He's given me.

The fear that the servant who hid his mina was based on the view of a severe God. But our God is not severe. His steadfast love endures forever to His children. God is merciful and gracious and longs to help His children right where they are! He didn't make a mistake when He made me (or you!) He is not looking for productivity; He's looking for faithfulness.