I don't know

Get ready for soul baring rawness. If you're a hider, leave now. There's no hiding in this blog post.

Normally I wait to write a blog post. I wait till I'm on the other side of the valley. There's a lot of clarity afterwards, know what I mean? I usually stay away during the dark times because there is no clarity in darkness.

Well this blog post is being written firmly in the valley. Right here where I am. Last week was hard. It wasn't one terrible thing. Rather it was a bunch of things. One after the other, and it seemed there wasn't an area of my life untouched.

My wonderful auto immune body couldn't take all the stress, and I landed in bed sick. And as often happens, with the sickness started a darkness. A relentless, mind controlling, suffocating darkness. Sounds dramatic? It is. Life becomes a battle.

Many times, I can just survive to get through to the other side when it decides to let go. But this time, it's being stubborn. And the only thing I keep thinking is, "I don't know. . . " I just don't know.

Some of you will read this and think what on earth is she talking about. . . but others will read it, and you will get it. Because you have gone through days where all you can think is "I don't know. . . "

Then a friend sent me the words to a song last night. The song has rocked my world, you could say. One specific part of the song, to be exact. The song is by Tenth Avenue North Entitled You Are More.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life  
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight 
She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines  
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try  
But don't you know who you are?

I don't know. . . 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

I don't know

I'VE BEEN REMADE.

Doesn't matter if I feel remade. I AM remade. I'm in this valley, and I don't know. Which way is up. When  the valley will leave me. What I need to do. Where my faith is. Where He is. Why He is allowing this time.

And sometimes I just don't know. But HE has remade me. He has redeemed me.

I feel raw, broken, wounded, weary. . . He was raw, broken, wounded and weary for me. So in my raw, broken, wounded and weary times, I can trust the work that was done when HE became raw, broken, wounded and weary for ME. Why did Christ, Son of the LIVING GOD do this? In order to remake me. And I AM remade whether I feel like it or not.

So in the times I just don't know. I know that HE knows. And let me tell you, that is infinite knowledge!

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
  But what's been done for you.  
This is not about where you've been,  
But where your brokenness brings you to 
This is not about what you feel,  
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

So when I just don't know, I must turn to the ONE who does. And even when my faith is too weak to turn, He still knows, He still pursues, He still redeems. PRAISE my loving FATHER.